If I Never Had to Shave

Posted by Adam Schwartz on

By Pauly Patterson

If I never had to shave, I could look my best in the morning with less work. I could ditch the shaving cream, toss the razor, dump all the replacement blades, and lose the clippers I use on my beard, and the only hair-related product on my bathroom countertop would be my electric nose hair trimmer. And that’s just for my face.

I would never cause a barber consternation when I ask for a cut and a shave. I would never longingly look at Nair cream or pads and fearfully watch that body wax scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin. I would never again see dollar signs in the eyes of those laser hair removal people when they see me and give me a price quote. I could change the channel with some new Glide Edge Plus Razor for Men or whatever kind of ad comes on rather than watch it intently, seeing if it’s worth my time and money.

I’d even compromise with shaving less, like being able to actually try a dry shave or some simple manscaping rather than taking a weed wacker to chop the forest up and down my front and back. I’d like to look chic one day rather than hairy chic. I’d like my balding and less hairy friends to refer to me as “Pauly” rather “Beardy Bro” and stop hiding stuff in my beard – they’re just messing around, I know it’s nothing personal, but it’s either deal with that or deal with WAY too much uncomfortable, unwieldy grooming every morning.

I really, really don’t like shaving – not my face, not my back, not my arms – but I really don’t like all this hair – not on my face, not on my back, not on my arms. I want the best of both worlds: I want to be less hairy, and I want an efficient, effective way to get it done. Friends have recommended the BAKblade, but I haven’t bought mine yet. I want a nice ergonomic grip on the razor handle (because I’m going to have to do it a lot, so I may as well be comfortable), and I want an extension on the razor so that the handle is nice and long enough to reach my back. I want something pain free and smart and that covers all I want to shave. I’m looking for the ultimate body blade, from my beard to my back.

Of course, if there are any genies and wish-granters out there listening, I’ll happily go without all the hair, too.