The Best Bond Backs

Posted by Adam Schwartz on

By Keith Torvald

Everyone’s got their favorite James Bond: between Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, and Daniel Craig, each Bond has his own cadre of fans (we don’t talk about George Lazenby). You may have the Bond you like most, but have you ever thought of which one is the best? Like, the absolute best?

As soon as the question is asked, a million ideas start floating around for how to figure out the best Bond, but there’s one that’s never mentioned, and it’s the one that really matters: the best Bond is the one who doesn’t bother us with back hair. That’s right, the best Bond is the best body shaver.

James Bond is a lot of things: secret agent, ladies’ man, driver of fine cars and drinker at fine bars. And as dashing as he looks in a tux, as soon as he takes it off for an intimate scene with a creatively named woman, that all goes out the window. From Connery to Moore and beyond, the lack of manscaping makes it hard to believe these guys were once sex symbols – a clever quip can make you swoon, but back hair is never sexy even when you’re 007. What sets the best Bond apart isn’t his gritty reinterpretation of the character or the great hits of nostalgia he brings with him, but it’s his knowledge of back shavers. When Daniel Craig rose out of the water in Casino Royale, he impressed everyone because he looked flawless without being dragged down by weighty, scraggly back hair. The right body groomer can make all the difference.

Every Bond knows how to use a gun, and every Bond knows how to drive a car. It’s knowing how to use a back shaver that helps Daniel Craig stand out. Body grooming and back razors help him keep the gambling in the casinos: it’s never a question that when Craig’s Bond takes his shirt off, he’s going to look good.

Some of the older Bond films have aged less than nicely (I’m looking at you, You Only Live Twice), and part of that definitely has to do with back hair. You don’t notice it’s a problem until you see how great using a back razor can look. From Russia with Love was a classic, and Live and Let Die had some incredible music, but it’s the reinvented Bond from Casino Royale who takes the cake because he takes a razor to his back. Bond gets into plenty of tight spots in each movie, but a flawless back with hair completely removed is a close shave to end all close shaves.